{swanH E A R T}’s blog

I want to sleep but I can't.
I just cry into my pillow.
Why, I don't know.
There's no to hear,
No one to comfort,
No one to hold.
I stare at my phone
just wanting to call.
But it's late here,
even later there.
So, I lay my head down
cry a little more.
It's been a long year without you.
I want to let go
and I have.
Every now and then
I'm reminded.
By the man on the bus
whose hands are like yours,
who wears the same shoes,
has a similar bag.
His hair is long
and dark like you.
We never talk.
He writes.
I read.
Both of us looking out
opposite windows
stealing glances
now and then.
It's been a long year without you.
Last Winter I laughed
at an inch of snow
not caring to remember
that message you wrote.
"I <3 U" in the street below.
Spring was beautiful,
Though the allergies sucked.
Summer was pleasant,
not sticky or hot.
Freeway came home then,
late in May.
Summer's gone,
Autumn's here.
Leaves are already falling.
Your birthday passed
I didn't call.
I still can't remember
20th or 21st?
It would've been our third together.
It's been a long year without you.
I miss my friends,
the ones I could see
and touch
and hold.
I miss the company
even when it wasn't welcome.
I miss the sound of laughter
that isn't my own.
New friends have come
and old friends have gone.
Some are missed.
Some not at all.
I've been good
and I've been strong.
But recently I've spent
more nights up like this
with Freeway beside me
purring to soothe.
Sometimes I don't know
what I would do without her.
With other people I still feel alone.
I hardly go out,
I'd rather stay in.
It kind of scares me
to go out on my own.
It's been a long year without you.
Regret is such a useless thing
so is wishing to change the past.
I try not to do it
but every now and then
I just can't help myself.
Looking in the mirror
I hardly recognize myself.
My hair is long.
Red again.
I'm gaining some of the weight back that I lost.
It's too much.
I'm fat.
I should go to the gym.
I want to dance,
to go back to school,
to be vibrant again
and to not just pretend.
I hate the clothes I wear,
pastels aren't for me.
The make-up is tame.
It's not good to stand out here,
keep it low-key.
It's been a long year without you.
Recently I feel so lost
Autumn's always been bad for me.
I try, so hard, I really do
but I just can't seem to get over being alone.
I have the people I love,
and I lost them so much
But it's just not the same
when we're so far away
and there's no chance
or that desperately needed hug.
Sometimes I wonder
where I went wrong,
What I've done that was bad,
Why I can't feel I belong.
I never had that feeling
with you at my side.
No words can express the peace
just listening to you
breathe at night brought.
Even when we fought,
we were always okay
because we fought to make it right.
Where did we lose that will to fight?
It's been a long year without you.
I should be in bed,
asleep hours ago.
I want to be but I can't.
I just cry into my pillow.
And I write...
I type...
To get the poison from my head.
Maybe so I can rest.
I already know
it's going to be a long, hard Winter.
Good things come and good things go,
so too do the bad.
I'll just keep on going
Trying to find some new meaning
some new reason
some new glimmer of hope.
Not in someone else
just in myself.
And then I'll be fine without you.
Until then...
It's been a long year without you.

I'm woefully behind in NaNo and didn't meet the goal I set for myself yesterday.  I need to be less distracted by the sister and her man-thing watching tele and roleplay.  I must buckle down beginning tonight!  There isn't much time left.  v.v 

National Novel Writing month is only a few short hours away.  I shall be posting my NaNo exploits, trials, tribulations, and ultimately (I hope) my success! 

Wish me luck!

OH
EM
GEE

I just paused Air Gear episode six to flail over the utter gay of Wanijima Kaito's pants.  My brain fails in its futile attempt for adjectives.  There are no words to describe that level of gay.  They're on par with Jareth's pants in Labyrinth.

THAT IS ALL!

Thanks for the invite, Kerry!  <3 *chu~*